It all started as I was innocently pausing to text a friend about some matter of logistics. Being in the zone and getting things done seems to be the norm for this life. I have yet to determine how to “pause to be still”. The intentionality of her question, “How are you?” must have been what woke me from my stupor. Without even pausing, my fingers quickly typed out, “I am OK, but my self-talk has been really bad lately”.
“Hmm?”
That wasn’t her response of course, but my own. Where did that come from? I thought to myself. So, for the next few days in the whirlwind of life, when there were seconds here and there to pause, I thought about the answer to the question, “How are you doing?” and I thought about my answer, “My self-talk has been really bad”.
I guess it was true because others around me were noticing. Josh kept asking me, “What’s up?” to which I would reply, “Nothing”. A few others made comments such as, “You seem quiet” to which I would respond, “I do?” It seemed to those closest to me that I was withdrawing into a noncommunicative existence.
And maybe I was?
So I decided to examine what my fingers had betrayed to my friend that day on a text message, “My self-talk has been really bad lately”.
You’re really struggling to connect with Jesus. You’re such a bad disciple. I am sure that Jesus is very disappointed with you. And Josh. He’s so frustrated that you can’t just come out and tell him what’s wrong. He doesn’t even like you these days. Gosh, you haven’t studied with the kids this whole break…I mean what have you been doing with all this extra time? No one at work thinks that you’re valuable, I mean you are hardly ever there. Shame on you. You’re terrible. Nobody likes you. You’ll never be enough.
Wow. My own thought world was spiraling. Big time. It’s a classic case of the enemy taking half-truths and twisting them just enough to create complete lies that caused me to spiral and ultimately want to hide. Just like Adam and Eve in the garden, the enemy creates a façade convincing me that I am in control… so I ate the apple and began to believe the lie… then the shame came, and I could see that I was beginning to hide from those closest to me… and even worse, from God.
I wonder if you can relate.
While picking apart my own web of lies, I knew that the only chance I had to combat my worn heart was God’s word and His truth. 19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: going to the Author of truth is the only chance we have in this world to combat a powerful enemy. We have all we need in Christ. 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything (1 John 3:19-21, NIV). As my own inner critic reared her ugly head, my heart was condemning me. Recently I heard someone understand this passage in a way that I totally disagreed with. They had the belief that if your heart condemned you, you never really knew Jesus. While I respect and love everyone, I wholeheartedly disagree. My own heart is wicked and the more that I get to know Jesus, the more I understand my need for Him.
So, the next time my heart spirals and my thoughts become condemning, I will hold to the truths of his word. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). While my time was divided and I became distracted, God wasn’t condemning me…He was just calling me back to Himself. And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming (1 John 2:28). And not only that but just like a Good Father, He was defending me and interceding for me. 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us (Romans 8:33-34). How can one not be in awe of such a good and gracious God?
The truth is simple…and to be honest, if we are not abiding in Jesus, we will struggle. When we fail to deeply abide in Christ, our inner critics will begin to spin lies, the things of this world will pull our attention, the fruits of the spirit will be hindered, and we may wind up in a quiet, contemplative state where those who love you most may be asking, “what’s wrong?” To abide means to “remain” or “stay” with Jesus. Continue in Him and stay close to His word and truths. Maintain your disciplines of being still, digging deep into His word, and going to Him in prayer…then watch Him rewire that self-talk to sound more like His truths.
While the enemy wants me to think I am weak, God’s truth tells me I am strong: She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come (Proverbs 31:25). When the enemy tells me that I am not enough, God’s word tells me that I am his treasured possession: For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession (Deuteronomy 7:6, NIV). And when my own heart tells me that I can’t, God tells me that I can: In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us (Romans 8:37, NIV).
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