I don’t even know the meaning, but the feeling, I fully recognize.
Sitting in front of the waning fire, I look over to see the reflection of the cheap linoleum that is made to look like wood, and it brings a feeling of sweet familiarity. Something stirs in my heart. Maybe it’s peace. Joy. Contentment. I am not even sure how to label it, but I like it. It’s not numb. It’s not hard. It’s not confusing. It’s been a long time since my heart was still enough to feel that very distinct feeling. I am glad I slowed down enough to welcome it back. The spark that it had left me with a stirring glow. The glow is warm and comfortable.
It was 36 days ago that my man busted through the door holding our firstborn and then the love of his life following in the surprise by jumping out of a suitcase. I cried for two hours straight. Pure joy. Overwhelming excitement. Feelings that words couldn’t contain or carry, only tears fell and fell.
Maybe I am finally sitting still enough to let the blessing of having all 7 of them be “home” settle deep into my bones. In just 3 more sleeps, he will walk though those gates of security again, head held high, tears in his eyes, to take on the world that the Lord has given him. And I will cry tears for days on and off. Yet, I know my heart will be at peace. And I know there will be more moments of fleeting feelings of staring at familiar objects and feeling deep joy and contentment.
All good and perfect gifts come from above, but as with all gifts, we can’t just look at the pretty box. Unwrapping may be messy, yet the Giver of the gift never intended to just wow you with the wrapping. There are so many gifts in my life that have yet to be unwrapped. Maybe out of fear, maybe due to my lack of faith, maybe it’s just not time yet. However, this morning, the gift that was unknowingly open in a still moment of grace was a flicker of a feeling of being fully whole, fully known, and fully loved. He gives good gifts.