Is there a term out there for parents who have Seniors? I'm not talking about moments of feeling old. Nor am I speaking of caring for the "senior" generation. I am talking about the time in life when the little one that you watched take their first steps, ride their first bikes, taught how to read, and have said "good morning" and "goodnight" to every day since they entered this world leave your home. It's pretty heavy stuff and I am feeling the full weight this morning.
There should be a term for this monumental occasion.
There is such a mix of emotions going on inside of my heart.
I have this surge of pride and excitement. He is such an awesome young man of God who has an amazing future ahead of him that God Himself has ordained. That's exciting! His heart for the Lord and passion for encouraging his own generation in their faith amazes me.
I am so excited for him that my heart could explode.
His entire world is just beginning. Possibilities are endless in this life, and like his father, will be lived like an adventure. Those are reasons to celebrate, clap my hands, cheer him on, and watch him fly.
Then there lies the other mix in the flurry of emotions. Sadness? Fear? Grief?
Grief sounds about right at this moment. I think I will let myself sit here for a minute.
I am so sad that this season of my life is coming to an end. The season of a mother having all my babies under my roof. Being able to care for them, keep them safe, and enjoy their presence. Never again will our family feel the same. It won't be worse or better, but it will most certainly be different. And I grieve that. I want to hold onto every moment and cherish every look, every word, every hug...all the while knowing in the back of my mind how fleeting they are...a vapor.
Just like a rollarcoater ride, these days have become. Excitmetment, grief, joy, fear.
Then, I gather myself and tell myself that it will be OK. I will hold these precious moments in my heart, treasure them, and laugh at the days to come knowing that I have a God with me...and a God with my son.
There is a new branch of faith growing in my heart as this severing is taking place. I think I will call this new branch trust. Maybe it is being born out of necessity. I have to trust that someone other than me is going to watch over my children. Don't get me wrong, I have known this all the time.
Children are just a gift on loan.
It is God who has always been the One in control. Yet with this new season, there is an even deeper trust beginning to birth itself. I can feel it in my soul. God will go with my son and I will trust in Him. In addition, God will grow me in grace and strength to watch him leave with a joy that could only come from Him.
As I hold onto that thought, that truth, my heart feels at peace and the tears stop flowing. No matter what I will miss, God won't miss it. No matter where my son goes, God will go with him.
So, even in this "senior moment" as I feel left behind, I know that my God is with me...and as I send my child out into this crazy world, my God goes with Him.
We will always be together in Christ.
I will hold onto this thought for now.