I am learning...
I rolled out of bed this morning, like many mornings, in a fog. Not super confident about the day ahead, but also not overly pessimistic. I kissed my man, stumbled down the stairs and clumsily started the required pot of coffee.
That was when I broke my own moral code and opened my phone to social media. This act of false pleasure led me on the familiar journey of doubt, discontentment, and discouragement.
If only I would have stuck with my original plan of no social media until after I work out.
However, as is His style, the Lover of my soul redeemed the moment and now I sit here and rejoice because of the struggle.
It's funny what the enemy can use to start a spiral. It began with a simple picture from the parking lot of a gas station, boasting of a beautiful evening sky and it's Creator.
Location? The city my son will soon call "home".
It took my breath away to think that same sky will soon be the backdrop of his life...a place on the other side of the world.
Next came a simple photo of a young grandmother proudly displaying their grandchild...such simple familiarity existed in their smiles. Will my grandchildren know me? Will my youngest child even know his oldest brother?
The tears came. I grieved. And I feel that I had every reason to do so.
Expect one thing.
I was borrowing worries. Exactly what Scripture tells me NOT to do.
Doubting in God's goodness. Doubting in His plan. Doubting that He knows best.
Initially, I went on my normal brain's thought pattern.
Becoming a victim.
"Why am I still here? Why are we here, God?"
Can you relate?
Maybe you have that same question somewhere deep inside. There is so much going on in the world. A global pandemic, racial injustice, and political issues are the big things...on the surface. However, I am not talking about those struggles. I mean your heart.
What is going on in your heart that is leading you to question God and become restless in the place you are?
Do you like being there? In the stuck place?
I know that I don't. I don't like feeling stuck. I must prefer the freedom of the "wide places".
I have learned.
I am learning.
I am learning that I am NOT a helpless victim.
I am learning that those feelings of believing "I am helpless" are coming from the wrong voice.
I am learning that I am not the one in control...and for good reason.
I am learning that His plans are better than my plans and His ways are better than mine.
So, I am learning NOT to sit there.
It's a miracle really.
This drama queen, emotional mess of a woman has found and met a loving God who I am LEARNING to believe and trust more and more.
And the miracle of trusting, even when it's hard and even when I don't want to is transforming my whole world.
Allowing God to pull me out of that pit and put my feet on solid ground.
He did it almost 20 years ago when I gave my life to Him...and He continues to each day as my stubborn heart chooses to yield to His Lordship.
And the peace comes.
As I lay down my wants and wills and trust in HIS plans.
I feel empowered. By something bigger than myself.
He becomes greater, I become less...
...and life feels less confusing.
Exactly how it is suppose to be.